========================================================================= Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 13:53:22 -0500 Reply-To: Donald R Lloyd Sender: Highlander TV show stories From: Donald R Lloyd Subject: Springfielder SPRINGFIELDER A Highlander/Simpsons crossover [Normal Simpsons intro starts up. Bart is writing "I will not behead my classmates" on the wall. Standard intro continues, until the family runs for couch and sits down. At this point, Maggie pulls out her pacifier, which turns out to be a broadsword, and beheads the whole family in one fell swoop.] ***** [Scene: Mr. Burns' office overlooking the power plant. Smithers and Burns are busy spying on the employees via closed-circuit monitors.] [Burns, pointing to screen] "Smithers! Who is that man?" [Smithers] "That's Homer Simpson, Sir." [Burns] "I want to see him in my office immediately." [Smithers, pressing intercom button] "Homer Simpson, report to Mr. Burns' office immediately." [Burns settles back into the large throne-like chair behind his desk and watches as Homer wakes up and uses his shirt sleeve to rub a trickle of drool off his face.] [Homer dozes off again. After several repeated calls and the eventual dispatch of several hunting dogs to retrieve the employee in question, Homer finally stands before Mr. Burns.] [Burns] "So, Simpson, is it? Well, Mr. Simpson, were you aware that radiation levels in your control room are high enough to reduce a normal man's brain to jelly?" [Homer] "Mmmmuuuuuugghm, jelly..." [Burns] "Simpson, do you feel a tingling ache in your gut right now?" [Homer] "Yeah, I do... you know, I'm starting to think that stopping for ribs on the way to work isn't such a healthy thing." [Burns] "Fool! You have no idea what you are, and now you'll never find out!" [Burns wraps both hands around the hilt of a large sword built into the arm rest of his chair and heaves. It doesn't move. After repeated grunting attempts at lifting it, he finally turns to his companion.] [Burns] "Smithers! Behead that man!" [Smithers, armed only with a blunt letter opener whose shape bears a remarkable likeness to Mr. Burns' profile, swings the weapon in a wide arc toward Homer's neck. It strikes, and the part that looks like Burn's head snaps off.] [Homer, oblivious] "Uh, so what was it you wanted to see me for, sir?" [Burns] "That does it! Smithers, if you can't take his head, I'll call in someone who can!" [Presses a button on his desk which causes a secret door to open nearby. Behind it is a team of high-priced lawyers.] [Homer screams in typical Homer fashion, turns and runs out of the room.] [Burns] "Run while you can, Simpson! You'll have to come back to work on Monday, and when you do, I'll be waiting!" ***** [Scene: the Simpsons' kitchen. Marge is serving dinner.] [Marge] "Tonight we're having something I just learned to make in cooking class. It's sheep's stomach stuffed with meat and barley." [Homer] "Mmmmm, Haggis.... aaaaaaghghghghghgh" [Marge] "So how was your day, Homie?" [Homer] "Marge, you just don't know the pressure I'm under at work! The candy machine was out of order all day! But other than that and Mr. Burns trying to kill me, it was pretty much okay." ***** [Scene: The Simpsons living room. Homer, Bart, and Lisa are in front of the TV watching Itchy and Scratchy go at each other with swords. The doorbell rings]. [Homer, opening door] "Oh, hi, Apu." [Apu] "Homer Simpson?" [Homer] "You know me, Apu!" [Apu, leaning forward and whispering] "Work with me; we are trying to do a movie spoof here!" [Homer, in a low voice] "Oh, yeah. Sorry." [Apu, louder now] "You are Homer Simpson of de clan Simpson!" [Homer] "Uhm... Who wants to know?" [Apu] "I am Apu, chief regional Slushie maker for the chain of Kwiki-Mart. I have come to be teaching you what you are needing to know. You, Homer Simpson, are immortal and cannot die.' [Homer] "Woohooo!" [Apu] "Excepting in de case in which your head is being removed from your shoulders. In the end, there can be being only one." [Homer] "D'oh!" [Apu] "Your training must commence immediately, but first we must be finding you a sword." [Bart] "Cool, man! Maybe I can help!" [Bart runs to his closet, digs under a pile of newspaper clippings related to the mysterious disappearance of a rare 15th century sword from a local museum during a school's visit, and pulls out a rare fifteenth century sword. He runs back downstairs and hands it to his father.] [Bart] "Here you go, Homer. Now can we watch you chop some heads off?" ***** [Scene: Outside "Donut World". Homer sits inside behind a sign on the window reading "All You Can Eat $5.99". (Taped beneath that sign is a smaller, handwritten one reading "Except Homer Simpson"). Mr. Burns' limo passes by and screeches to a halt as he sees Homer.] [Burns] "Smithers! Don't I know that man?" [Smithers] "That's Homer Simpson, Sir. You're scheduled to behead him on Monday." [Burns] "Excellent, but why wait? Let's do it now!" [Burns, Smithers, and a sword-weilding chauffer enter Donut World and approach the table where Homer sits contentedly behind an empty 24-pack] [Burns] "Simpson! I have come for you! Prepare to die!" [Homer] "Hey, wait a minute, Apu told me the rules. You can't come after me on holy ground!" [Burns] "This isn't holy ground, this is Donut World!" [Homer] "Blasphemer! Heretic! How dare you insult all that I hold sacred!" [Burns] "Oh, come now, Simpson, a Holy Donut Shop? Next you'll be inviting me to attend communion at the local bar!" [Jump to Moe's tavern, where Barney kneels on a padded mat in front of the beer tap. On a low rail in front of him rests a half-eaten pretzel and a plastic cup with a few remaining drops of watery beer in it.] [Barney] "Praise be to you, O provider of all UUURP..." [Back to Donut World...] [Burns] "Smithers! Does Donut World count as Holy ground?" [Smithers] "Well, there are donut holes all over the floor Sir." [Burns] "Drat! Mark my words, Simpson, I'll take your head yet!" [Burns and his entourage storm out the door and drive away. Homer looks around for a few seconds, trying not to draw any more attention. Satisfied that people are no longer staring at him, he ducks his head under the table.] [Homer] "Woohoo! He was _right_! There _are_ donut holes on the floor! Aaauhmaaahhmaahm...." ***** [Scene: The neighborhood Kwiki-Mart. Homer and Apu are fighting a practice duel.] [Apu] "So, Homer, let us be seeing what you have learned." [They go at it in earnest now, climbing over the aisles and counters, using merchandise and pricing guns in attempts to distract one another. At one point a stray swing of Homer's sword slices a hot dog in two. The combatants pause, as does every male customer in the store, shuddering at the possible analogies.] [Apu] "You have decapitated my weiner!" [Homer and Apu glance around for a moment. Then, realizing they've already taken a bad joke way too far, they resume their combat. Homer becomes distracted again as something catches his eye.] [Homer] "Mmmm.... nachos." [He uses the sword to flip several trays of cold day-old nachos directly into his mouth. Apu slices a nacho in midair, startling Homer and drawing his attention back to the business at hand. The battle continues. Finally, with both men standing atop the highest peak of the pretzel warmer, Homer sends Apu's sword flying. It lands in a customer's Jumbo Mega Squishie Gulp and sinks slowly out of sight.] [Apu] "Excellent! You have defeated me fairly and squarely!" [Homer] "Woohoo!" [Apu] "But you owe me $7.50 for de nachos." [Homer] "D'oh!" ***** [Scene: Homer & Marge's bedroom. Homer's alarm is ringing.] [Marge] "Come on Homer, it's time to get up." [Homer] "Oh, but Marge, I don't want to go to work today... the candy machine's out of order. And besides, Mr. Burns is probably going to try to kill me again." [Marge] "That's the same excuse you used _last_ Monday. Now get up and get going so you're not late again!" ***** [Scene: Burns' office again.] [Burns] "Smithers, who is that man?" [Smithers] "It's Homer Simpson, sir. You tried to take his head on Friday, remember?" [Burns] "I want to see him in my office immediately!" [After a repeat of the dogs-fetching-Homer scene, the two opponents face each other once again.] [Burns] "So, Simpson, when last we met, I was but a student. Now _I_ am the m-" [Smithers, in a low voice] "Excuse me, Sir, but I think you're spoofing the wrong movie." [Burns] "Ah, yes, of course. In any case, prepare to meet your doom, Simpson. Release the robotic scottish swordsman!" [A ten foot tall robot with a sword longer than Homer's wife is tall (hair included) emerges from another hidden panel. Homer draws his sword and engages, but it becomes clear as Homer is slowly driven backward that the machine has the upper hand.] [Smithers] "I must say you've outdone yourself this time, sir." [Burns] "Yes, Smithers, that robot was my biggest stroke of genius since I hung "Out of Order" signs on all the candy machines so that _I_ would have the only working one!" [Homer] "You did what?!" [He grabs the robot's kilt and lifts it. The machine becomes embarrassed and drops its sword, using its hands to cover itself and leaving it open to Homer's attack.] [Homer, angry] "Lousy -" CLANK! "stupid - " WHAM! "candy-machine out-of-orderin' BURNS!" [With this last shout, Homer severs the robot's head with a single blow. He wastes no time charging Mr. Burns' desk.] [Homer, raising sword to strike a death blow at his employer] "You can't have the only working candy machine! There _can't_ be only one!" [Burns presses another button in desperation. Nothing happens. Homer pauses to look around and see what went wrong.] [Burns] "Hmmm." [Gets up and walks around to the front of the desk.] [Burns] "Excuse me." [Homer steps out of the way. Burns gingerly puts one leg forward and lightly touches a single toe to a square spot on the floor where Homer had just been standing. A trapdoor opens, and he plummets.] [Burns] "Aaaaaaaaahhhh---" SPLASH! [Burns, shouting from somewhere below] "Smithers! Get down here and distract these crocodiles!" [Smithers] "Coming, Sir!" [Jumps in] "Aaaaaaaaaahhhh---" SPLASH! [Homer, looking at the time, screams and drops his sword] "Oh no! I'm 30 seconds late for lunch!" [Flees from the room] [End credits roll, accompanied by a bagpipe rendition of the Simpsons theme.] Don Lloyd don@chopin.udel.edu "Mmmmmm.... floor pie." Stuck using a PC, but still an Amiga guy at heart...