Date: Mon, 13 Nov 1995 17:39:16 -0500 Reply-To: BRIAN A HADEN Sender: Highlander TV show stories From: BRIAN A HADEN Subject: Santa Vs. The Kurgan! SANTA GOT BEHEADED BY THE KURGAN! By Brian Haden (haden@okstate.edu) This is a short story written by me after seeing the humorous discussion on the Highlander mailing list about Santa Claus being Immortal. The title of this story doesn't really apply to the events in it, but it sounded good after people were thinking up HL parodies of the song "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". Enjoy! --------------------------------------------------------------------- [North Pole -- December 23rd, "Christmas Eve" Eve] In the middle of a fierce blizzard a small band of evil renegade elves stood atop a giant snow hill with their newfound companion, the Kurgan. All of them looked down at the home of one Mr. Kris Kringle. "There is one called Santa among them," asked the Kurgan, though it sounded more like a statement. "Aye," confirmed the chief elf. "Remember our agreement, Kenner," the Kurgan said to the chief. "The fat man is mine." "It's begun," said Kenner, signalling the other renegade elves for attack. "Death to the elves!!" They charged down the snow hill on foot and on dog sleds, yelling their brutal battle cries. The Kurgan galloped behind the band of elvin warriors on his black clydesdale horse. * * * * * Meanwhile, inside the warm kitchen of the Claus home, Mrs. Claus (we'll just call her Missy in this story) was preparing a nice bowl of soup for her husband who was busy constructing a toy soldier at the dining table. He was just building this one for fun. The other toys for all the children were already assembled and currently being loaded into his sleigh by his good little elves. Suddenly old St. Nick stopped what he was doing and ran over to the wall where his ancient broadsword was mounted. "Missy, get out!" he shouted to his wife. Startled, she asked "What is it? What's wrong?" The walls began to shake as if the blizzard outside had grown stronger. A window shattered and seven of the renegade elves jumped through it. Another five elves came through a second window behind Santa and his wife. Soon they were surrounded by two dozen angry little elves wielding sharp daggers. "Oh my, who are they, dear?" Missy asked Santa. "Remember the elves I banished after the Christmas of '76? Looks like they've come back for revenge," said Santa as he grasped his broadsword. The evil chief Kenner grinned wickedly. "We're not alone, Santa. We've brought a friend." Santa felt the presence of a very old Immortal approaching. He looked up at the broken window in front of him and saw a dark figure dismounting a horse outside. The shadowy Immortal emerged from the darkness into the kitchen, smashing through the entire outer wall of the room. "Kurgan!" Santa cried out in recognition of his ancient enemy. Standing tall over the small elves, the Kurgan smiled at the plump man dressed in red. "Santa...," he said slowly. He raised his huge broadsword and forcefully split the dining table in half. Mrs. Claus screamed in terror and ran from the room. "Go get her," ordered the Kurgan and all of the elves dashed out of the room after Santa's wife. Now they were alone, Santa and the Kurgan. Two timeless enemies, one good and one evil. Santa made a feeble attack with his smaller broadsword, but the Kurgan was able to knock it from Santa's hands. Without a weapon, Santa started to back away from the Kurgan. He picked up a rolling pin from the counter and made another attack at the Kurgan. Slicing the rolling pin in two with his sword, the Kurgan then grabbed Santa by the collar. "Nice to see you again, Kringle," he said. "Ho, ho--unnghh," said Santa as the Kurgan kicked him in the stomach and caused Santa to fall to his knees. * * * * * Mrs. Claus ran all throughout the workshop, throwing small hammers and screwdrivers at her vicious pursuers. She cried out over and over for someone to help, and finally help arrived. Santa's good elvin workers who had been loading the sleigh with toys were now standing on the grand worktable at the far end of the giant workshop. "You're no match for us, Patches!" said Kenner to the leader of the good elves. His renegade troops swung their daggers high and shouted slanderous remarks at the good elves. "Don't bet on it," said Patches. He signalled to his fellow elves to draw their own weapons. Each pulled out a small Power Rangers katana from the scabbards attached to their belts. "These aren't plastic, Kenner. They're the new ones made with real steel blades! And they're _live_!!" Kenner and his renegades became frightened as they realized the situation they were now in. "DIE!" shouted Patches, as he jumped off the table and attacked Kenner. The other good elves followed. Soon there were bloody, headless little elf bodies everywhere. All of them were the evil elves. Now, in case you didn't know, elves are Immortals too! They are a mutant branch of the Immortals we all know and love, but nevertheless, they _are_ Immortals. After 24 simultaneous beheadings, one hell of a Quickening discharge was about to occur. The man standing outside the workshop, peering in through a window, realized this and started running away from the building. *To hell with Watcher protocol,* he thought. *I'm not sticking around for _this_!*. No sooner had he made it to the top of the snowhill did the chain reaction of Elf Quickenings start up. Pretty soon, the whole west wing of Santa's estate (the workshop) was engulfed in explosions. * * * * * Fortunately, Mrs. Claus was wise enough to get out of there before the Quickenings started. She went back to the kitchen where Santa was still fighting the Kurgan. Santa bellowed a terrible cry of pain and anguish as the Kurgan lunged his broadsword through Santa's gut. "Ha...it hurts?" the Kurgan whispered into Santa's ear. Santa merely moaned some more. The Kurgan then noticed Mrs. Claus hiding behind the kitchen counter. "Who is the woman?" he asked Santa. "Unnggh," Santa moaned once again, trying to ignore the ache of a 5-foot broadsword sticking through his abdomen. "She's mine." The Kurgan laughed with pleasure, making that awful metallic sound with his voice. "Not for much longer," he said. *Oh no! Oh dear! Oh my!* thought Mrs. Claus. She desperately wanted to help her husband, but didn't know how. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Santa's sword lying on the ground near her. Inching her way over to it, she tried not to let the Kurgan see her. The Kurgan continued to taunt Santa with his words, quoting lines from Neil Young songs and such. Santa managed to turn his head and spit into the Kurgan's face. *Okay, enough fun,* the Kurgan thought to himself. *Now we get down to business.* "The presents. Where are they?" demanded the Kurgan. At that moment, some of Santa's good elves, who had already recovered from their Quickenings over in the workshop, entered the kitchen. Santa smiled with relief upon seeing his good little helpers. "You're too late! I've prepared them for you," he said to the Kurgan. The Kurgan glared angrily at the happy little elves wielding miniature katanas. He pulled his sword out of Santa's chest and went for the elves. Santa slumped to the floor, relieved to have that damned sword out of his stomach. Mrs. Claus took this opportunity to aid her husband. She dragged his heavy broadsword to him and helped him stand. He took the sword and thanked his wife with a tender kiss on the cheek. Looking down at his healing wound, he said "Now it's payback time!" The Kurgan hacked and slashed at the fiesty elves, but they were too fast for him. Patches commanded them like an army general. "Hasbro, take his left! Matell, get on the right!" They confronted the Kurgan at all angles. Rather than swinging his sword, the Kurgan just kicked the little elves out of his way. In the end, Patches stood alone, fearfully watching the mighty Immortal approach him. "Now you die," said the Kurgan as he raised his sword for the final blow. Patches closed his eyes, preparing for death. The Kurgan swung down, but another sword suddenly appeared and blocked his attack. Patches opened his eyes and saw Santa standing there, holding back the Kurgan. "Ho, ho, ho... what kept you?" Santa said to Patches with a grin. Patches backed away as the real fight resumed. Kris Kringle and the Kurgan fought long and hard, smashing through the kitchen appliances and furniture. Soon, the Kurgan began to tire. It was clear that Santa was winnning now, and Patches and Mrs. Claus cheered him on. The Kurgan desperately tried to taunt Santa some more, saying such things as, "You will always be weaker than I," but Santa Claus merely chuckled at the remarks. He swung his sword for the Kurgan's left side, catching the evil Immortal off guard and cutting deep into the Kurgan's shoulder. Dropping his sword, the Kurgan staggered backwards, clutching his bleeding wound. Santa spun around, slicing into the Kurgan's midsection, then twirled his sword and lunged it straight into the Kurgan's heart. The Kurgan fell to the ground, temporarily unconscious from the severe physical damage. Raising his sword, Santa declared, "There can be only one!" "No, Kris!" shouted Mrs. Claus. "Not here in the kitchen! You both have done enough damage to it already. Take his head elsewhere." Santa sighed, lowering his sword. "Well, where then?" "The workshop's pretty much trashed, Santa," said Patches. "How about in there?" he suggested. "Yes, the workshop," Mrs. Claus agreed. * * * * * So, Santa and Patches dragged tbe Kurgan's lifeless body into the workshop, where it would be suitable for another Quickening. "Hurry, before he revives," urged Santa. But it was already too late. The Kurgan opened one eye, then the other, and then grabbed Patches by the neck. He picked up one of the daggers of a dead elf on the floor and held it to Patches' throat. "One more move, and the merry munchkin loses his head," threatened the Kurgan. Santa didn't move an inch. He watched as the Kurgan walked away with his hostage, Patches. They boarded the sleigh and flew off into the night. Santa and Mrs. Claus stared up at the sleigh as it disappeared into the clouds. "Oh dear! What about Patches?" asked Mrs. Claus. Santa sighed, thinking of his good friend and loyal elf. "He's gone, Missy." "Oh my! Look!" exclaimed Mrs. Claus, pointing up into the sky. They both saw an object falling at tremendous speed, and as it drew closer, they could hear it screaming. It was Patches! He came crashing into the snow hill and tumbled down to where Santa and Missy stood. "Patches, are you all right?" Santa asked. The elf moaned. "I'll live." * * * * * The Kurgan laughed at them all. He pulled out a whip and lashed at the reindeer. "Faster! Faster!" he shouted. The two reindeer in the lead, Dasher and Dancer, exchanged glances then grunted to the rest of the reindeer in their own reindeer language. The rest grunted back. Suddenly, they all swiftly turned the entire sleigh on its side, dumping the Kurgan out. The reindeer all grunted in satisfaction and spun the sleigh around back towards Santa's place. The Kurgan screamed as he fell a thousand feet into the icy cold waters of the Arctic. He trashed around in the water and finally managed to climb onto a small floating iceberg. Shivering from the cold, he looked up at the departing reindeer in the sky and muttered, "Another time, Kringle. Another time..." THE END! (Author's Note: This story is by no means canon. Heh heh...) -HADEN@OKSTATE.EDU =========================================================================