Date: Thu, 6 Jul 1995 16:02:41 -0500 Reply-To: kellie , Julia Kosatka Sender: Highlander TV show stories From: Julia Kosatka Subject: In the Dark, part 15/17 He turned to her curiously. "Why should it be?" "I thought it might remind you too much of your past, of things perhaps better left unremembered." He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, his eyes once more focused on the distant cluster of dwellings. After a moment he shook his head. "It's a rare day that goes by without *something* reminding me of an event that, as you say, is perhaps better left unremembered. It's a hazard of living this long, I think. There are times when the regrets seem to outweigh the satisfactions, but I'm learning how not to resist the memories when they come. It's better just to let them happen, let them flow through me, instead of resisting and letting them knock me down." In the distance, a bell began to toll, the sound shivering through the air with almost crystal clarity. His smile widened. "Watch the door of the school. This is always fun." She followed his gaze and waited. The door of the building in question opened, and small figures began to pour out. The sound of distant shrieks and laughter was carried on the breeze. The children ran and tumbled like water in a brook. After a moment taller figures begin to emerge from other buildings to herd children away from the school. Parents, retrieving their children at the end of the day. He felt the usual stab of jealousy at the sight. Perhaps it was masochistic to stand here and watch them, but he felt somehow compelled to do so. "If it's fun, why does it hurt?" Guinan asked quietly. He focused on her, surprised for a moment, before he remembered what she was. He shook his head. "Sometimes I forget you're empathic. Sorry." "Why should you be sorry for having feelings, Duncan?" He smiled ruefully. "Because envy is such an evil emotion to have. I shouldn't inflict it on others." "Envy? That's not what I felt." "But it is. I envy them. I know I'm not meant to have children, I know it here," he tapped his forehead, "but somehow that makes me want them all the more. I'm like a mule, chasing after the proverbial carrot on a string," he laughed dryly. "In fact, mule is all too apt a simile, in more ways than one." She looked like she was controlling the urge to smile as she replied. "Why? Because you're being an ass?" She chuckled at his startled expression. "Excuse me?" he said warily. She sobered. "It seems to me that this is tearing you apart, and it's *needless*. Duncan, if you want kids, do something about it! You told me yourself that most of the other Immortals think you're dead, you haven't had a confrontation with one in years. What would be the harm in trying again?" He shook his head. "Even if I could trust that they would be safe, there's still the fact that I'm not *normal*. I've seen it happen to others, I've seen it happen to *me*. Kids need normalcy. I don't age, I would stay the same as they grew old. How could they handle that?" Guinan looked at him for a long, silent moment, then she smiled oddly. "Well you know, Duncan, you'll never know unless you try." Her words made him remember. Anne, Paris, four hundred years in the past, but he remembered it as if it had happened today. They were standing in a hospital corridor. He had won his fight with Daimler, Anne had seen it all, right down to his collapse after the Quickening had ended. He'd taken her to the hospital to make sure her fall had not harmed her or the child she carried. The child she had said she wanted him to be a father to. He'd allowed himself to dream again, then she'd killed the dream. In his mind's eye he heard himself as they left the hospital. "For a moment I thought we were going to lose her. He did tell you it was a girl?" His voice had reflected the excitement he felt. He had envisioned himself caring for the baby, then the child... the young woman. The fantasy had delighted him. Anne's response had been surprisingly terse, considering the good news. "Yes, he did. Duncan, I want to go home." "The car is right outside." "No, I want to go *home*." Ah. He understood. She wanted to leave Paris, and go back to the States. He'd nodded. "We'll go together." That was when she'd done it. She'd shaken her head, and said "No. I think I have to go alone." "Alone..." He'd turned away then, so she couldn't see the pain on his face, couldn't see what her words had done to him. "Whatever you want. I understand." "Do you?" "Yes. You almost lost the baby." He knew that wasn't the only reason, but he'd been trying to save himself the deeper hurt of hearing her say it. She hadn't taken the hint. "It's more that just that, Duncan." He had lashed out then, frustrated, hurt, and angry. "You *knew* what I was, you knew what my life was like! What was I supposed to do? Let him walk away?" "No, you had to kill him. Duncan, I understand. I wanted you to kill him! At the time I would have taken his head myself!" Not hearing her, he had gone on defending himself. "He killed Bernard. He would have killed you." Anne's voice had gentled slightly then, as if she'd finally begun to realize what effect her decision was having on him. "I understand, but I can't live my life like this, Duncan! I thought I could, but I can't! Duncan, I'm a doctor, I save lives, I don't take them! I can't start wanting to take them!" He felt the cold fog of despair closing around him again, felt yet another chance at normalcy slipping away, but he understood what she was saying, and couldn't argue. He nodded curtly, unable to trust his voice. "Duncan?" Her uncertainty had called to him, and he'd turned, embracing her, letting her think it was all right, even though it wasn't. That had been the last time he'd dared to let himself hope. Never again. He'd tried so damned hard, he'd been so honest, laid himself bare, and she'd ripped his heart out. Not maliciously, but just as painfully. He lifted his head and looked at the dark face regarding him seriously. "Guinan, I *have* tried. Time after time. And every time I've tried, it's been taken away from me. I finally gave up. Only a fool comes back for that treatment time after time, and though I may not be a genius, I'm not a fool either. Immortals are just not meant to have families. We're not meant to love. It's not part of our destiny." She put her hand on his arm, and looked up at him, her dark eyes sympathetic. "I know that feeling, but I also know it's not true. You're as deserving of love as anyone, more than many. You're one of those truly rare people who give more than they take. Why should you be denied the one thing you truly desire?" He looked away from her with a sigh of defeat. "Haven't you heard a word I've said? It's just not meant to be." Her hand tightened on his arm, and she shook him slightly, like a mother dog might shake an errant puppy. "Don't give me that `fate' crap, Duncan MacLeod! You know as well as I do that your destiny is governed by free will, not three old women with a ball of string and some scissors. Make it happen! Take control of it!" She was angry. It was the first time since he'd met her again that he'd really seen her angry. But it didn't help. "I can't do that to a child, Guinan! Or maybe more honestly I can't do it to *me*. It's as much dread of them coming to hate and fear my difference that keeps me from it, as it is fear that they might take some kind of psychological damage." He gave her the truth. The fear that lay at the core of everything he'd told her so far. He had been different all his life, and knew what difference inspires. Fear. If he tried to parent Human children, they would come to resent him, possibly even to fear him. He saw the truth dawn in her eyes, saw her accept it, and her face held such sympathy that it hurt. He turned away from it until she spoke, her voice gentle and quiet. "I think perhaps you were just born on the wrong planet, Duncan." He eyed her, puzzled. "What do you mean?" Her smile widened. "I know at least a dozen kids who'd *love* to find a parent who lives as long as you will. In fact, I could have used a hand with one of those myself." He went still, not quite trusting that he'd understood. "What are you saying?" "My people's lives are long. Not as long as yours, perhaps, but does that matter. Most of those who were left behind by the Borg were babies, too young to be really useful to them and thus discarded. We're a slow- maturing race, and those babies are children now. Some have gone to homes on Earth, or Betazed, or Vulcan, but there are others still waiting for a place to belong, for someone who will take them for what *they* are. You're more like us than any of the other Federation sentients. You'd do well with our children and you wouldn't have to hide what you are, because to them it would seem perfectly normal." He stared at her, her words slowly sinking in. They made sense. A chance, perhaps finally, the *right* one. He opened his mouth to reply, then closed it again, looking around as a sense of presence began to manifest. It felt peculiar, though, muted and amorphous. Guinan stiffened, and looked around too, her expression a study in distaste. "What is that? I've felt that before!" The presence finally solidified, and Duncan pushed Guinan behind him, facing up the hill, waiting for whoever it was to make themselves known. Guinan stepped out from behind him, looking annoyed. "I'm a big girl Duncan, I don't need you to play knight in shining armor!" "Guinan, someone's here for me. You don't need to be involved in this." "How do you know?" "I can sense when another immortal is near. I feel a... presence, a warning sign. I feel that now, but they've come for me, not you." "How did they find you?" "How do you think they found me? It has to be the same person who sabotaged the Darius. They knew I'd come here. They..." He stopped, eyes narrowing as a figure moved into sight over the rocks that had hidden him from view. There was something familiar about him. Something all *too* familiar. A shudder rattled him to the core. "Dane." "Hello MacLeod. It's been a long time." Dane's cold, blue-white gaze ranged over to Guinan, and his eyes widened. "You! But you're a mortal!" He studied her intently, moving toward her. Duncan moved with him, interposing his own body between Dane and Guinan. "Now this *is* interesting. How can you, a mortal, still be alive so many years later? Could it be that perhaps you're *not* a mortal?" He shifted his gaze to Duncan again, a knowing expression on his face. "This explains why you keep company with her, doesn't it MacLeod? I couldn't figure it out before, but it makes sense now! You're trying to learn how she does it, aren't you?" "How she does *what*?" Duncan asked, his voice harsh. "How she hides her presence from other Immortals. I've never seen anything like it." "She's not hiding anything, she's not one of us." "Oh come now, you don't really expect me to believe that, do you? I remember her! And I can see that she remembers me," he looked amusedly at Guinan. "Can she fight? I guess we'll find out eventually, but I think I'll take a page from your book and see if I can learn her secret first. There's no point in killing her until that advantage is gained." Duncan clenched his fists, then willed the fear away, letting his hands relax. "There is no secret, she's not an Immortal, she's not even human. Leave her out of this, it's between you and me!" Dane sighed, shaking his head. "Do you always have to be so such a goody-two-shoes? If you like, you can *try* to protect this one again, but this time there are no civil authorities handy to interrupt us. I know you haven't fought in years, you're rusty. I, on the other hand, *have*." Dane brought out his sword, a seaxe, somewhat short-bladed but no less lethal than Duncan's katana. Duncan drew his blade as well. "Guinan, this is my fight," he said evenly, hoping she would take the hint and run. She didn't move, damn it. He chanced a glance at her, and found her staring at Dane with something of the mesmerized fascination of a moth for a spider. "Guinan, *go*!" he hissed, reaching up to unfasten his cloak, letting it fall so he wouldn't get tangled in its folds. Dane's attention snapped back to him. He saw the other man's gaze flicker over him, and saw the feral smile that bloomed as he took in the traditional garb. "Still playing the Highlander after all these years? You're such a barbarian, MacLeod. Such a romantic. That will be the death of you yet. I, on the other hand, am a thoroughly modern sort of warrior." He dropped his sword, and reached into his coat, bringing out a phaser. With a shock, Duncan realized that Dane meant to stun him, and then take his head. He was planning to cheat. What defense had he for that? An odd calm come over him. Was this how it felt to accept death? It wasn't so bad. He would fight, he had no choice. He had to give Guinan a chance to escape. But if he died, he died. "Oh no you don't!" Guinan said from behind him. She grabbed his arm, and he heard the odd little chirp of a communicator being activated. "Guinan to Enterprise, emergency! Two to beam-out on my coordinates!" Duncan had time to register Dane's stunned expression before the world faded away, and reformed entirely new. Even having heard her, it took him a moment to register the fact that he was now standing on a transporter dais aboard the Enterprise, not on a windy hillside on Valhalla. and that he was staring at a concerned-looking transporter technician, not Tanner Dane. He was momentarily glad that Worf had cleared him to carry his sword, since otherwise his arrival would have been heralded by an alarm claxon. "Damn you Duncan MacLeod, don't you *ever* do that again, do you hear me?" He turned to Guinan, and found her standing beside him, arms akimbo, hands fisted on her hips, her compact form radiating fury. "Do what?" he asked stupidly. "Give up! I felt you! You gave up! You were going to let him have you!" "No I wasn't!" he protested. "I was..." he broke off. Was that what he'd done? He reviewed his own actions. Maybe she was right. "I didn't mean to," he finally said, feebly. "Hah! You've been trying to give up for ages, this is just the first time you've almost succeeded, and I won't have it!" "You won't have it?" He asked incredulously. "It's *my* goddamned life!" "Yeah, it's your *life*! Remember that!" A few feet away, someone cleared their throat, reminding both of them that they weren't alone. They looked at the transporter tech, then at each other, and Duncan saw the corners of Guinan's lips twitching. He *knew* she was trying not to laugh, and it infected him, he felt the muscles in his face straining to keep his angry frown in place. They were squabbling like a pair of four-year-olds. He shook his head, and let himself smile ruefully. "You'd think at our ages we'd be past this, wouldn't you?" "I guess you're never too old for childishness." He chuckled. "I guess not. Thank you, if you hadn't been there..." "I know. But I was. Obviously you're *not* meant to die today. Come on, let's get out of here." He nodded and followed her out. A few steps down the corridor, it suddenly hit him, how near a thing that had been, and *who* it had been. He stopped, and shuddered, raking his fingers through his hair. "Are you all right?" Guinan asked quietly. He nodded. "Yeah, I guess. That was a lot closer than it should have been. It's rather handy having the Enterprise here to get my sorry ass out of trouble." She grinned. "Your ass is far from sorry, but *I* got it out of trouble." Her expression went hard, and he knew her next subject before she spoke. "You didn't tell me Dane was still alive." "I didn't know for sure, not until just now. I haven't seen or heard of him in nearly two hundred years. I hoped he was dead. Guinan, why didn't you run?" "It wasn't time. I knew I had to stay there." He studied her, one eyebrow lifted. "Your `gift'?" "If you want to call it that. I do have a touch of precognition. I just knew there was a reason for me to stay. Now I know *why*. I had to stay because if I hadn't, he'd have taken you, and it's not your time yet. You have a lot to do before you go." "You can tell that?" She smiled. "Not the way you mean, but yes. He knew you were here. He knew exactly where you were. How?" Duncan stared at her thoughtfully. "Good question. He's no technophobe, as you could see. Perhaps he used a scanner. I don't register as a normal human, so if you know what to look for, you could find me." "That must be it. So, what do we do now?" He stared at her. "What did you say?" She stared back. "I said, what do we do now? Since when are you hard of hearing?" He cut her off. "I heard you, I just couldn't believe you said it. You know I can't involve you in this. *I* have to settle it. It's between us. Civil authorities and punishments have no effect on an immortal!" "Duncan, he might *kill* you!" "I don't think so, not if we're fighting as equals. Because it's been so long since I last fought another Immortal, he probably thinks I'm rusty, but I'm not. I've never stopped training, and my sessions with Worf helped. He's one of the more accomplished swordsmen I've met, not to mention being a great deal *stronger* than most of them as well. I can take Dane. I could have taken him last time we met, if we hadn't been interrupted. This is something I have to do. If I don't, he'll just keep coming back. He seems to have some sort of fixation with me." Guinan regarded him for a long, silent moment, long enough that he began to feel uncomfortable, then finally she nodded. "You're right, this is your battle. But you should be equally armed. I can get you a phaser." He crossed his arms and squared his chin. "That... that isn't the way it's done. It wouldn't be honorable." "Honor!" she huffed. "You've been spending too much time with Worf! The hell with honor, let's talk about expediency!" He almost snapped back at her, but something made him stop and think about it first, and his answer was considerable gentler than it might have been. "Guinan, if I have no honor, what makes me any different from Dane?" She sighed. "I should have known you'd have an answer for me. Fine, be honorable. Just don't expect me to." He grinned. "You couldn't be dishonorable if you wanted to, so don't try that one on me. Look, I have to take care of something down in cargo bay 4 before I go planetside again. Will you meet me there in twenty minutes? There's something I need to find before I go back to Valhalla and confront Dane. Something I've been meaning to give you." She looked at him suspiciously. "What?" He shook his finger at her. "If I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it? Just meet me there." **** Guinan stood watching Duncan walk away, feeling the unmistakable stomach-clench of a premonition. He needed her. He was in danger, and he needed her. Hoping the urgency of the feeling didn't mean he wouldn't be safe for the next few minutes, she dashed to her quarters to change her clothes. She pulled on her fencing whites, knowing that the sophisticated fabric armor would turn a blade long enough for her to get out of its way. Over them she pulled on the loose-fitting tunic and trousers that had almost become a uniform to her. Checking in the mirror, she was satisfied that no one would suspect she wore body armor beneath her clothes. That done, she knelt in front of the box that sat on the lower shelf of one end-table, and hesitated a moment. Was this right? Was she supposed to do this? Nothing answered her, save her own need. Steeling herself against the memories she knew she would unleash, Guinan opened the box. Carefully unwinding the tapestries that bound it, she freed the tooled and dyed leather belt and sheath that held her chadith. It had been a very long time since she had even thought about the contents of the box, let alone held them in her hands. As she drew the blade and stared at its damascened length, she remembered her mother handing it to her. She could even remember the chanting of the other women, and the scent of incense that had drifted in the air. The chadith dagger was one of the gifts which ritually marked the advent of womanhood on El-Auria. The tradition had been archaic, no one actually *used* the blade to defend their honor by the time she had come of age, but the symbol had persisted. Tai'ai'la... had she had ever really been so young? So incredibly, unknowingly young? She examined the chadith carefully, noting that despite her neglect, the blade was in beautiful condition. Not a speck of rust marred it, and the edge was still sharp enough to cleanly sever a strand of hair with only the slightest pressure. Its weight and heft were very different from that of her fencing foil, but she had no doubt that she could wield it effectively if necessary, and it had the advantage of being small enough to conceal beneath the drape of her tunic. She put the belt around her waist, surprised to find that it went around. Apparently she hadn't changed as much as she thought she had. Fastening the catch she felt the weight settle into place, oddly familiar though it had been aeons since she had worn it. She thought of Picard's foil, Worf's betleH, Duncan's katana... this was her own heirloom blade. It seemed somehow appropriate that she should use it now. She looked into the box for a moment, seeing the few bits and pieces she had saved from her past, and for the first time it struck her as a little odd that she hid them away like this. As if by hiding them she could deny the pain of her history. Perhaps that was exactly what she had been doing. Interesting, how a small change to ones environment could bring about rather important self-revelation. Duncan's appearance had served to remind her that her life had held far more good than bad. Why had she gone so long denying that? Duncan was good for her. By helping him, she helped herself, since his problems were in many ways similar to her own. Thinking about him reminded her that he was waiting, and she quickly got to her feet and headed for the door, then paused. Deliberately she went over to the concealed storage unit near the replicator and took out a small, old-fashioned personal phaser. It wasn't as powerful or bulky as the ones the Enterprise crew were issued for away missions, but it could prove just as handy. Now that she knew *who* was after Duncan, she had no qualms at all about using it, if it became necessary. She set it on heavy stun and clipped it to her belt next to the knife, and adjusted her tunic to hide both of them. Amazing what loose clothes could conceal... a weapon, or a psyche. **** Subject: In the Dark 14/14 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Duncan pawed through a storage bin, annoyed that he hadn't been able to locate the item he wanted. He knew it should be there, he remembered packing it when he'd left the Darius. A small lacquered box, which held several carefully wrapped carvings. The box and what it contained were some of the very few bits of his past he always carried with him, since they were small enough to transport easily. Speaking of which, he needed to get his stuff sent down to the warehouse when this thing with Dane was over. He smiled, realizing he had already made up his mind that he would win. The less doubt, the better. He sat back on his heels and tried to remember exactly what he'd done with it. He remembered going to his cabin and packing clothing, his katana, his books and disks, his personal stuff... books. That was it! He'd put the box with his books because it was the same size and shape. With a grin he went to the other storage unit and opened it. Sure enough, the box was there. He lifted it out and opened it, spilling the silk-wrapped objects it contained into his hand. He remembered Guinan standing in his loft over the dojo, looking at these with reverence. He hoped her memories of that evening were as good as his own. He'd realized from the starkness of her quarters that she had nothing pleasant left of her past, and he wanted to give her back a piece of it. He put the figurines back in the box and closed it, then turned toward the door to meet Guinan outside, as he'd found what he was looking for. Halfway to the door he felt the sickening surge of recognition flood him, felt his heartbeat quicken as his body responded automatically to the perceived threat. Another immortal was near, on the other side of the door. Dane? How could he have gotten aboard? But who else could it be? Duncan carefully set the lacquer box on an out of the way storage drum, and drew a fold of his plaid forward to conceal his sword. Stepping forward, the sensor in the door `saw' him and opened it. The corridor was filled with a herd of children milling around in excited array. From their clothing and accents he knew they were Valhallan, not children from the Enterprise. It was a tour group! Of course! That's how Dane had gotten aboard. He studied the group carefully, hoping that he was wrong, that the presence he had felt belonged to someone other than Tanner Dane. He saw a Star Fleet ensign looking a bit besieged, he saw the familiar faces of the children, many of whom he knew. There were only a handful of adults present, among them Tara Kinnon and Rob MacPherson who taught at the school, and some parents clearly along to help keep the group from attaining critical mass. He almost smiled at the futility of that, then he saw Dane and all humor fled. The other immortal stood at the rear of the group looking around tensely, clearly he felt Duncan's presence. He had his hand on young Dinah Fitzpatrick's shoulder, and the girl looked distinctly uncomfortable. He went rigid, anger flaring in a white-hot wave. He wanted to grab the man and throw him across the corridor, but he restrained himself. He saw Caitlin Matheson and Gillian Blackshear attempting to corral a pair of little hellions near him and hoping Dane wouldn't hear him over the gleeful noise of the kids, he quietly spoke to get their attention. "Gill, Callie, do me a favor would you?" Callie looked up, recognition bringing a smile to her rounded features. She and her husband were friends of his, and he knew he could trust her to stay calm. "Duncan! Welcome home! What can we do for you?" "Without making a scene, would you get Dinah away from that man? He's not a healthy person to be around the children. I'll take care of things once you've separated them. He won't make a scene in front of the whole group." Gillian scowled, turning. "I'll see to it." She moved through the sea of children like a ship under full sail, and stopped blocking Duncan's view, and fortunately, Dane's as well. Her voice was clear and calm as she spoke. =========================================================================