========================================================================= Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 13:52:33 -0500 Reply-To: Donald R Lloyd Sender: Highlander TV show stories From: Donald R Lloyd Subject: Highlander 3.1417: The Final Dementia I've been reading stories on the Highlander list for a while now and, while I enjoy many of the "crossover" stories where immortals populate the universes of other shows, books, etc., I do think they're getting a bit ridiculous. In that spirit, and to head off the Highlander/Jeopardy/I Love Lucy/America's Funniest Home Videos/Monday Night Football/MST3K/Baywatch crossovers I know several of you are working on, (and if you feel you must finish these stories, at least do us the favor of having Bob Sagat painfully beheaded,) I now present my first contribution to the mailing list. I cobbled this together in an afternoon in a psuedo-script format. Happy Beheadings, Don (Who in true hipocritic fashion has dibs on the Highlander/Babylon5 crossover(s)....) (HL/Simpsons crossover also coming soon!) ----------------------------------------- HIGHLANDER 3.1417: The Final Dementia A Highlander/Animaniacs crossover *From the dawn of TV we came, living silently in the studio tower... until now.* [Camera sweeps through an aerial view of a crowded arena, gradually focusing in on a single motionless point of light somewhere in the bleachers. Zoom to the light, which highlights the eyes of a man who is otherwise in shadows.] [Man in stands, clutching newly blackened left eye] "Ouch!" [Wakko] "Oops! Sorry!" [Eats camera. Removes hat, from which he produces a grandfather clock. Looks at time, eats clock. Reaches back and tugs on the rope around his waist.] "Pull me up! We're late for the parking garage scene!" [Yakko, standing on a platform next to Dot, reeling in the fishing pole Wakko is hanging from] "Well, I guess our documentary on people pathetic enough to watch pro wrestling will have to wait. We've got a cult classic movie to star in!" * * * * * * [Scene: The parking garage. The Warners make their way cautiously toward noplace in particular. A mysterious figure looms threateningly in the shadows.] [Mysterious Looming Figure] "Warners!" [Yakko] "Hey, I think that Mysterious Looming Figure is talking to us!" [Mysterious Looming Figure, stepping out of shadows, reveals himself as a mouse with an unusually large head, wielding an exacto knife with uncommon skill] [Non-mysterious formerly looming figure w/knife] "The Prize will be mine, and with it I shall take over the world!" [Dot] "Oh, is the prize all you want?" [Rodent, blinking] "You mean - you have it?" [Wakko] "Well, not on us, but we know where it is." [No-longer-mysterious-or-looming big-headed mouse character] "You must give it to me!" [Yakko] "Aahh, I dunno, ahh I'm not sure you're ready for it." [Exacto Man] "Yes, I am!" [Dot] "Are you suuure you're ready for it?" [The Eared One] "Yes, YES!" [Yakko] "Well, should we let him have it?" [Wakko] "He looks like he really wants it." [World-Conquering Little Guy] "Yes! Give it to me!" [Yakko] "Well, OK." [Tiny shadow forms on the mouse's head, growing larger as a whistling sound is heard, almost as if something were falling toward him...] [Mouse, eyes growing larger and ears drooping] "Why did I let my agent talk me into another one of these cameos?" WHAM! [A large anvil, bearing the word "WINNER!" in flashing neon, now occupies the space where their assailant had stood moments ago.] [Yakko] "We've vanquished another enemy. We all know what happens next!" [Dot] "The Sickening!" [Wakko] "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" [Yakko and Dot clutch at their ears, staggering] "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRR-" [Car windows shatter, walls begin to crumble, light fixtures fall from the ceiling. A small child dodges skillfully through the chaos in pursuit of a firefly. A dog, trying desperately to catch up to her, is struck repeatedly by falling rocks.] "UUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-" [Flash to old black & white footage of a collapsing building] "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPP!" [Warners, in unison] "There can be only three!" * * * * * * [Scene: Same parking garage, later. A blonde, shapely police Anvil Inspector (in undercover Nurse's uniform) struts seductively toward an overweight, unshaven policeman with a large fishnet slung over his shoulder. Appropriate cartoon blonde shapely police anvil inspector strutting music plays in the background. Police Anvil Movers are seen in the background trying to lift the neon-lit anvil.] [Detective] "Dah, Oh, ah, hi, Brenda." [Brenda] "What's going on here?" [Detective] "Dah, somebody made a mess." [Brenda] "Any suspects?" [In the background, one of the anvil-moving crew has managed to lift up one side of the anvil...] [Unidentified Mouse from previous scene] "Aha! Free at last!" [... but, alas, steps back onto a banana peel which had been placed there during the filming of another cartoon earlier in the day.] WHAM! [Detective] "Ah, just some anvil collectors what lives in the water tower." [Brenda's acute powers of observation lead her to notice the brightly flashing neon sign.] [Brenda] "Hey, I think I see something!" [Running to the anvil] [Detective] "Dah, what is it?" [Brenda] "It's an anvil, a very heavy anvil." [Detective] "How heavy is it?" [Brenda] "Only about 2000 pounds. Any anvil collector from the water tower could tell you that." * * * * * * [Scene: Inside the tower. The Warners enter.] [Yakko, facing camera] "And now it's time for the obligatory flashback scene!" [Colors fade to black and white, except for red Warner noses] [Silence - Warners gaze in random directions.] [More silence] [Wakko] "So when does the flashback start?" [Dot] "I think it already has. We're all black and white so that must mean it's time to do the flashback dialog." [Yakko] "Oh, uh, ahem.... " [Woodenly, pretending to flash back to an early event in the Warners' lifetimes] "I can't believe we've been driven from the studio." [Wakko] "Whatever will we do now?" [Door opens. In steps a gray squirrel] [Slappy] "Okay, look, I agreed to do this mentor thing for this film, but it specifically states in my contract that I don't do pale-skinned male Egyptian Spaniards with British accents." [Yakko] "Who are you and why are you here, oh future mentor named Slappy?" [Slappy] "You know darn well who I am. Here's the deal. I was supposed to come in here and teach you how to use swords so you can fight the bad guy at the end of the movie. However, since swords don't have much comedic potential, we're gonna do this one my way." * * * * * * [Scene: Police HQ, Records department. A bald, bespectacled man in a white lab coat looks up from his terminal as Brenda approaches.] [Researcher] "Oh, Hello, Brenda. I haf ze informazion you azked for." [Brenda] "Great - what did you find?" [Researcher] "Vell, I'fe gotten ze ztills of ze Varner childrens from ze archives und compared zome of ze virst vones mit de more recent vones. I uzed our new computer zyztem to compare ze pictures." [Turns to new computer system. Puts floppy into drive. Types "LOAD "VARNERS", 8, 1". Brenda and Researcher walk across town for lunch and a movie. When they return, lights in the offices have been turned on to compensate for the fading daylight.] [Researcher, sitting back down at his desk] "Oh, goot. It isht almozt done loading." [COMPUTER] READY [Researcher] "Now let me juzt doble-check ze program virst." [Types "LIST"] [COMPUTER] 10 PRINT "THEY'RE ALL THE SAME"; : GOTO 10 [Researcher types "RUN". Computer screen presents a scrolling display of the pertinent data] [Researcher] "You zee? Ze originalz matchen der new vones perfectly." [Brenda] "Are you zure about z- I mean, ah, are you sure about that?" [Researcher] "Ze computer doezn't lie, Brenda. Zo, vat ve'fe got here ist zome cartoon childrens zat haf been drawn by ze same artist for ze last eighty years since virst beink locked in ze tower. Eizer zat or someone juzt made up zat ztory to make ze beginning of ze show more interestink." * * * * * * [Scene: back at the tower, flashback still in progress.] [Dot] "But I thought we were supposed to chop each other's heads off until only one of us was left?" [Slappy] "Eh, chop, schmop. I think you'll find my methods to be much more efficient. Observe." [Walter Wolf suddenly charges at Slappy from off screen, brandishing a huge curved sword. Just as he reaches the squirrel, she pulls a lit explosive out of whatever place cartoon character store their arsenals and immortals store their swords. The sight of the bomb stops Walter dead in his tracks; his jaw drops to the floor in typical cartoon fashion.] [Slappy] "Note how I've managed to catch my opponent off guard. Now watch closely." [Slappy puts the bomb in Walter's mouth, slams his jaw shut, and steps back.] BOOM! [Slappy, gesturing with her thumb at the cloud of smoke where a wolf had been just moments before] "Now THAT's Quickening." [A knock at the tower door ends the flashback scene. Dot opens the door to reveal Brenda, again disguised as a nurse, posing seductively. Appropriate seductively-posing-police-anvil-inspector-disguised-as-a-nurse music plays in the background.] [Yakko and Wakko, eyes bulging and tongues hanging out] "Heeellooooo, seductively posing police anvil inspector disguised as a nurse!" [Brenda] "What do you know about a 2000 pound anvil found at the site of the big parking garage scene?" [Before the Warners can reply, a huge hulking man bursts through the wall of the tower. His head is shaved and there are pink and blue plastic diaper pins scotch-taped to his neck.] [Huge hulking man, in a deep gravely voice] "Excuse me.." [Clears throat, then continues in a normal voice] "Excuse me, but I'm the Kurgan. I was supposed to get some scenes to introduce my character to the audience and build up some hostility against me to help justify that it's OK for you to chop my head off at the end of the movie." [Yakko] "We'd like to help you out, but we're already trying to cram a spoof of a two-hour movie into a nine minute cartoon." [Kurgan] "Well then I guess I'll just get this over with quickly so I won't miss the swimsuit edition of Voyager tonight." [Kurgan pulls out a sword, backs Warners into a corner, and is poised to behead them all in one fell swoop.] [Kurgan] "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" [Yakko] "Only one what?" [Kurgan, blinking confusedly] "Uh... one immortal." [Dot] "Are you an immortal?" [Kurgan] "Uh, well, yes, I guess so." [Yakko] "So you mean you wouldn't get hurt if something like this happened?" [Another anvil falls from the sky] WHAM! [Kurgan, dazed] "I, uh, never said it wouldn't hurt...." [Yakko, standing behind a cannon] "What about this?" BOOM! [Dot, pulling a giant fire-breathing lizard out of her pocket] "Or this?" FWOOSH! [Slappy] "Bravo! Bravo!" [Yakko] "I thought you were only here for the flashback scene?" [Slappy] "Well, I figured I'd stick around and see if youse kids had learned anything." [Kurgan, shaking off soot] "Now you will all suffer!" [Pulls out large mallet. "The-climax-of-the-movie" music plays in background] [Kurgan does a slow-motion charge at the Warners, who all pull out even bigger mallets of their own. Kurgan starts his swing, but the Warners are faster and pulverize him. Kurgan stumbles out the hole in the wall, falling from the tower. Everyone runs to the hole to look down.] [Wandering director, passing the Kurgan] "You! You're just what I'm looking for!" [Kurgan] "Uuueehooueehh..." [Director] "I've got this great idea for a sci-fi show about a bunch of humans stranded on another planet, and I think you'd be a perfect fit for one of the parts!" [Kurgan] "Uuueehooueehh..." [Director] "Of course, we'd have to clean you up a little, fix that pale complexion of yours, maybe even do something with the hair, but I think you'll work!" [Kurgan] "Uuueehooueehh..." [Kurgan and Director eventually wander off together] * * * * * * [Scene: Atop the water tower, Brenda and the Warners watch the sun set over the WB studios] [Brenda] "So this is where it all started." [Wakko] "Where all what started?" [Brenda] "Er... uh... oh, never mind. So does anybody have a whirlwind inside their head that if they concentrate on they can tell what people are thinking all over the world?" [Looks at Yakko. He shrugs. Looks at Dot. She shakes her head "no". Looks at Wakko. He grabs his hat, uses it to pull his head off, fishes around inside] [Wakko] "Oh, so _that's_ where that got to!" [Pulls out Venus de Milo, eats it. Stares intently into his head through the neck.] "No whirlwind, but I've got a dust storm that lets me know what Newt Gingrich had for breakfast..." * * * * * * THE END (or the best excuse for one I could come up with). Don Lloyd don@chopin.udel.edu "Mmmmmm.... floor pie." Stuck using a PC, but still an Amiga guy at heart...